起點中的起點:赴菲服役的原因

為什麼會要去菲律賓?這一切都得從成功嶺開始說起。

討人厭的新訓

2019年春,我終於從狂飆時代般的臺大建城所畢業了,縱然它早已不復二十年前的鮮鮮草莽與自信,但猶然還是高等教育中的一個異數——恐怕也是理想主義至今僅存熹微的亮光之一吧。辦完離校手續後,我抱著一本大概不會有太多人注意的論文,回到老家的區公所準備報到。

準備上到成功嶺新訓的那天早上,臺南難得下起了陰鬱的綿雨。我父親開著我們家那輛老爺車,載著我去坐車上山。久未謀面的父子兩人,卻不知有什麼話可以說,空氣安靜到只剩下雨刷劃過玻璃的聲音。我暗自忖度著我那滿頭華髮的老父親,或許終於等到他那沒用的兒子獨立的一天了。

搭著巴士前往成功嶺的路上,我耳朵聽著「狗臉的歲月」、「汀州路的春天」、Bob Dylon 的 ”My back pages”,或許還有點眷戀校園的自由風氣。或許已經開始有些懷念那個鎮日皺著眉頭抽著零錢湊出來買的香菸、漫不經心閱讀文本的廢物研究生。但我知道,這一切的事情都會暫時與我無關。也好,因我對我蔓生野草、了無紀律的人生感到淡薄厭煩。那段路程不短不長,也不太緊張。或許能夠體會赴刑前的坦然。

000059440016

成功嶺新訓12日的日子真的乏善可陳,根本連動點唇舌去批評都覺得枉費。這裡的紀律恐怕不能稱之為紀律,只能說是一種詭異的團體秩序——唯一能稱道的可能只是包浩斯風格般的棟棟軍舍,以及仿王大閎作品的大餐廳建築。但你始終知道的,這裡的管理模式一點也不「包浩斯」。沒有所謂的人性,各種「律定事項」本身也沒有經過任何的設計思維。牆上試圖「軟化」營區空間的彩繪,更是極其醜陋,幾乎玷污了建築本身。

在成功嶺上會對著菜鳥大吼大叫的幹部基本區分成兩種。一種是穿著絲質制服的分隊長、區隊長,另一群則是穿著運動機能衣的「勤務」學長。

有沒有掛階,氣燄和地位會差距很多,勤務基本上就是魯蛇。勤務會被幹部罵,勤務會再挑菜鳥罵。看起來幹部好像很威很猛。但在成功嶺上,身為一個局外人,一定會逐漸看淡這些東西,因為不管誰欺負誰,都只是一場短暫的戲。

我在某些可以稍作喘息的自由時間,看到他們那一張又一張站在豔陽下百無聊賴、茫然的臉孔⋯就算幹部在餐廳噴完我們這些菜鳥之後,躲在餐廳外偷偷抽菸的樣子被我看到,多少還是對這些代替國家機器做事的打手心生哀憐與同情。畢竟,這就是這些人的格局。我實在討厭這個層層壓迫的體系。

不過很幸運地,新訓之後的我便與這些事情無關。日子回到成功嶺新訓時,役別徵選的那一天,我很幸運地甄選上了僑委會派駐菲律賓僑校的缺。我得承認,會選擇遠赴海外的原因,是因為進去成功嶺後的這些時間,讓我對國軍文化的藏污納垢和虛有其表無比地失望。這可能就是我選擇派駐海外服役的原因之一吧。(ps.雖然替代役不是兵,但新訓的管理模式跟軍中如出一轍,只是沒有拿槍。)

役別甄選:安逸或挑戰的抉擇

我記得似乎是在新訓的第八日早晨,一群人一起被帶上成功嶺的自強台集合。當時在役別徵選的時候,其實帶著相當忐忑的心情。畢竟服替代役這件事情,可以很舒服、也可以很痛苦。在隊伍中等待的時候,我與身邊剛從加拿大回臺灣的鄰員聊起天來(實在是很敬佩這些鄰員的愛國心)。我說,這跟指考分發一樣緊張,他說這比SAT還刺激。

對我來說,掙扎的部分倒不是服役的辛苦與否。重要的是,服役的這一年,如果跟成功嶺上的人一樣,無所事事地浪費一年,我一定會看不起自己。

役別徵選的當時,我其實有兩個選擇。由於建城所碩士的緣故,我有第一順位甄選上臺南市政府鹽水、佳里區公所的機會。業務內容大概是在處理社區營造,正好是我的專業、離家也近,應該會相當地得心應手。但當時臺南同鄉的鄰員們,各個都想爭取區公所的缺額,最後還必須抽籤。我當時觀察到鄰員們之間的氣氛,在還沒抽籤以前就私下在開始比較彼此的學歷、資格,試圖去影響其他人的決定⋯這個氛圍著實令人不耐。於是我便決定犧牲自己選擇安逸的機會,毅然決然往僑委會的攤位走去了。

其實說到最後,還是必須承認,僑委會派赴菲律賓進行華語教學的機會實在是太吸引我了:

除了對於南方美麗海島的想像之外,暫時遠離臺灣喧囂、矛盾的社會氛圍,對我來說,也是無比的解脫吧。透過拉出與故鄉物理上的距離,冷卻一下自己長年對於社會求好心切直到失望至極的情緒。

或許在一年之後,會有不一樣的體悟,我如此殷切期盼著。

「他說,我有消息要跟你分享。我要離開這個無聊的島,地球的那一邊有個富麗的群島,美麗新世界沒有我們這種狗臉。」 ——《狗臉的歲月:陳昇》

 

 

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